GEEK

Sometimes when you have been waiting ages to see a movie, they meet every expectation you had and are fucking awesome.  Sometimes they are like eating a shit sandwich.  Geek unfortunately is the latter.  I have owned this for ages on vhs and had always loved the cover.  I finally got around to watching it and was severely dissapointed. A brother and sister go on a bike ride.  This lasts for a few minutes of the film.  Then a brother and sister go hiking.  And finally the brother and sister go camping.  But wait they just kissed.  Wait a fucking second.  Is this some fucking moral tale that incest is wrong? Ive read other reviews on the net about this, and all of them say a couple.  At no point do they say they are a couple.  They introduce themselves to the ranger as a fucking brother and sister.  This is some evil shit!!! They definately deserve a good geeking later on. The acting in this movie isnt even the worst thing about this film.  Ive seen a hell of a lot worse.  The problem is nothing happens in this whole movie for ages.  Its fucking boring as hell.  Early in the film when the weirdo brother and sister are camping, the geek is stalking them outside.  No kill.  They save a hillbillys daughter and he takes them back to his shack.  No kills.  There is a great scene of the inbred brother and the hillbilly drinking moonshine.  We get a great song about racoons too.  Finally after what seems like an eternity we get introduced to the GEEK.  And he does a bunch of fuck all except running and panting like a dog. Then the geek falls in love with the sisters hair and we get a chase scene thats about 15 minutes long.  The end. Ok so theres a few other bits and pieces to the story.  But i dont want to "ruin" this movie for you.  Theres only a tiny bit of blood in this whole movie and really only one kill.  I would say avoid this at all costs. Please.

Drink Of Choice

Hillbillys love their moonshine

Rules
1. Everytime someone drinks moonshine
2. Whenever the brother whines or is scared by something
3. If anyone says jesus or god
4. whenever you see boobs (yes the wet tshirt counts)
5.  Whenever you hear the racoon song

 Sharkman says "this movie tastes like wolf piss"

Rating 1/6

HATCHET

Victor Crowley Rules
I love slasher movies. Its probably my favourite sub genre of horror.  And the golden era of slasher films was obviously the 80s.  Hatchet could of been made in the 80s.  Its got everything you need in a slasher movie.  Heaps of boobs heaps of blood and a bunch of dumb characters waiting to get killed.  Some of the kills are amazing.  I was blown away with the special effects. The Victor Crowley character looks like a demented freak should, and the fact that hes played by Kane Hodder gives the movie some more bonus points. The story isnt original in the slightest. The acting is fairly good, with a few familiar faces and a cameo from Robert England and Tony Todd.  This just adds to the appeal.  Theres nothing negative really to say, but this is a perfect movie for this site.  Good unclean fun.  Drink irresponsibly and enjoy!!! 

Drink of Choice

BURY THE HATCHET

Rules
1.  Every kill
2.  Everytime you see boobs
3. whenever anyone says victor crowley
4. whenever anyone swears
5.whenever you see victor crowley

 Sharkman says: I will cover them in a different pearl necklace for madi gras

Rating:4/6

THE DEADLY SPAWN

Hey Muther Fuckers, Lets Eat

Low budget film making can be a hit or miss affair.  This low budget 80s horror movie is a fucking hit.  A meteor crashes to earth and unleashes "the deadly spawn". An unrelenting eating machine.  It eats and grows, eats and grows. Kinda like Kirsty Alley, only an alien.  Im pretty sure this would look better in a bikini.  Im willing to put a tenner on it. Anyway after killing a couple of campers, it decides to move into someones basement and keep eating. I was really impressed with this movie.  I fucking love it in fact.  The acting isnt the best, but beats most low budget movies that are made today.  You wouldnt have seen many of the "actors" in a movie before. But who gives a shit. They work well together, and the main 3 characters have a great chemistry together.  Now for the main star of the movie, Mr Deadly Spawn.  The monster effects are awesome.  You see plenty of it, and you cant wait to see it again.  The gore effects are cool as shit.  Theres some awesome humour along the way.  Some of it may be unintentional and some intended.  The scene where the uncle psychiatrist interviews the little kid made me laugh out loud.  The scene where the spawn attack the party of grannies is fucking awesome too. I cant really say anything bad about it.  I really liked it.
Andrew

As the wife of a man who loves "stink turd" classics, i am very use to being bored not gored! But this film was pleasantly entertaining and suspenseful at times. It seemed to incorporate all the necessary elements you need to make a B.grade 80's horror become a classic staple in your horror collection.The hero of this film was not a Lycra wearing super human but a the youngest, misunderstood member of the family. Tugging at my heart strings. This young lad lives and breathes horror, so when faced in the dark basement with the deadly spawn,this kids knows fight not flight! The scene i love the most comes right at the end. A twist i just cannot come to let out. You have to watch it to for yourself! But what i will say is it includes a miniature model house and plenty of plasticine.
Una

Drink of choice

 Don Juan Escobar Mezcal
be careful two fucking worms!!!

Rules
1.  see the deadly spawn
2. anytime you see blood
3.  whenever anyone goes into the basement
4. when the kid mentions horror or has anything associated with horror
5. any science talk or experiment

 Sharkman says " that alien is a pussy it doesnt even have arms"


Rating 4/6

FOREVER EVIL

Wow i cant believe what i have just seen. Actually im not sure if i can make sense of what just happened. A 1987 low low budget horror movie that throws just about everything it can into the film and i was left completely stunned.  And not in a good way.  It starts with just about the worst credit sequence i have ever seen.  It doesnt suit the movie at all, and I could tell i was in for a real treat! The movie starts with a bunch of classically trained thespians giving oscar worthy performances.  Yes the acting is terrible, but as i will keep mentioning adds a bit of charm and a hell of a lot of humour.  The dubbing of the actors, is so badly matched up, especially during the opening scenes, that the laughs just keep on coming. The start i guess is a homage to evil dead though not a very good one.  Watch in horror as a twig rips someone through a window.  Im not joking its a twig. After the thrilling opening sequence, you have to sit through a lot of dialogue and a lot of the rest of the movie doesnt make a whole lot of sense.  As i said before theres a hell of a lot of things in the movie, a zombie, death himself, a devil dog, the necronomicon, boobs, blood and a whole lot of smoking.  A couple of my favourite parts of this movie.  The first involves a what the fuck moment.  The two main actors after trying to formulate a plan to take down the evil force, decide that a trip to the movies may just be the inspiration they need.  I found out later its the directors other film being shown. It still makes no sense.  The other is one of the characters wearing a college jumper.  Yes that doesnt sound anything out of the ordinary.  Except this one isnt for a specific college, it has the word college in iron on letters on the front. If you like low budget horror or are an 80s horror completist then you gotta see it.  I dont hate the movie, it is a bad movie.  But theres enough unintentional laughs along the way and just enough to keep you interested. After watching the film with commentary on, Director Roger Evans has a good sense of humour about the film. He realises its a bit of a turkey, and doesnt try to pretend its a historic piece of film making.  That made me like this film a little more.  The commentary is definately worth watching!


Drink Of Choice
Red Bitter Cans

Rules
1. Whenever anyone smokes
(which Evans says is a drinking game in itself)
2. whenever there is a gun on screen
3. Anytime anyone swears
4. Whenever the devil dog appears
5. Anything glows red


2/6

 "Forever Evil? More like Forever Shitty"


Special Award

Red Mitchell gets the Eric Freeman acting award.  Well played sir, well played.

CHAW

Jaws! I mean CHAW!!
I love Jaws.  Its one of my favourite movies of all time.  And i love checking out the massive amounts of jaws clones that constantly get released.  This one has a giant boar instead of a giant shark.  Much like the classic Australian film Razorback.  Chaw however follows the story of jaws a hell of a lot closer. So close in fact we get a scene where a boar is captured, hung up for photographers, is then cut open by a hunter and policeman to prove its not the right boar.  Sound familiar? But i dont see this as a bad thing at all. I like the fact that its played out as a comedy, rather then trying to take itself too seriously. There are lots of oddball funny characters in this one.  And there is quite a bit of character development, without it ever getting boring. There are so many funny scenes without the boar that i cant mention them all but the classic old man warning about the boar is probably one of my favourites. The cg effects of the boar are fairly bad, but for me it adds a bit of unintentional humour that makes me love the movie even more. The boar seems to change in size quite a bit between scenes, more unintentional humour. If you like JAWS i dont see how you couldnt like CHAW.  If you dont like either film, your clearly a moron.  A giant monster movie that has everything laughter, crazy witch ladies, idiotic police, and a massive killer boar.  Do it!!!

Drink of choice
Feral white

Duh winning


House of the dead rules
1.  anytime you see the wild boar
2. whenever the crazy witch lady says call me mommy
3. when someone gets killed
4. when someone has a drink of booze
 5. anytime you see in boar vision


4/6

"Has anyone got Michael Caines number, we have to make Chaw: the Revenge"

HAMMERHEAD

Half man, half shark, full stink turd

Jeffrey Combs plays a mad scientist bent on revenge and curing cancer.  The answer to all his problems.  Fusing the dna from a man and a shark.  To create Sharkman. With a lot of these giant monster movies, there is a fuckload of boring dialogue, at least this time its not a military experiment.  But that doesnt mean theres not long periods of no sharkman and too much talking.  Another major problem i have is the Sharkman.  It can walk on land being half man.  But we never get to see it properly.  Theres a lot of quick cuts, the most we get is a torso shot.  Seriously use more of the fucking budget to build a decent Sharkman, instead of using it for the 500 explosions during the movie.I wanted to know, i was dying to know, if the sharkman wore pants.  William Forsythe, who i think rules, is great in this.  But he doesnt have much to work with.  Some of the other actors, suck some serious balls. Combs is good as per usual, as a horror fan you cant knock him. The chick from bold and the beautiful or some shit soapie is also in the movie.  She has had a lot of plastic surgery. Unfortunately you cant add acting skills through plastic surgery. Theres a couple of ok gore effects though they are few and far between, we mostly get a lot of the old throw fake blood in water and make a lot of splashes trick. Theres not really any reason you should watch this film.  And if you dont believe me.  I hope you suffer.

Drink of choice
Elephant beer. 7.2 %.  Your gonna need at least 8 of these little babies to make this movie even remotely interesting.  And make sure you have those 8 before the movie has even started.

House of the dead drinking game rules
1. Everytime you see the sharkman
2. Whenever something explodes
3. Anytime William Forsythe shoots a gun
4. Whenever someone dies
5. Everytime Jeffrey Combs acts batshit insane

1/6

 Sharkman says "fuck this movie is a fucking piece of shit"